Yesturday was a real tough day. No wonder why I have Always reverted back to restriction. I had been missing some solid food times for the past week or so. I kept up with the LIMU & LEAN daily and am up to a full 2 scoop shake with a glass of whole milk once daily plus another 1 scoop shake in the evening.
However, I made a real effort and point to ingest Solid food yestuday at my self imposed appointed times. Because I had been fudging on my Refeeding process, the Syndrome really hit hard every time i ate the solids.
I had to lie down each time - even after just a piece of Swiss cheese for my snack. The lying down part doesn't really bother me because I come from a long line of napers and the frenzied pace of AN is lessened & i am able to rest. Actually "forced" to rest which could bring on a lot of anxiety as it did before I knew about the Refeeding Syndrome.
I found out from a Friend in an ED treatment facility that the lying down part is what she is being taught. After each Meal, lie down for 1 hour, after every snack, lie quietly for 20 minutes. This way the Body can have ALL the energy it can muster for the sole purpose of digestion & rebuilding healthy cells.
This is also a Very important step for the Mind as well. During this time-out I do my deep non-continuous breathing (from my abdomen NOT my chest) which cuts through the Physical part of the AN cycle where anxiety gets its 1st stronghold.
Then I actively do something Constructive with My Mind to keep the Voice at bay. Personally, this is my quiet time with the Lord. I have found when I use This time as my special prayer & conversation time with Him the anxiety surrounding the Syndrome is almost None. I am simply too busy praising & worshipping Him to even notice whatever anxiety AN is trying to put into My head.
Sure enough, after some time I reenter This world where my body & mind are ready to get up & start moving.
This is where my 'problem' was yesturday. It seemed every time i "came to" it was "time" to robot feed again. Which as we know starts the cycle all over again. Being Aware of what is happening in my body/brain systems is Extremely Important to continue this process. So i was not too hard on myself about all the down time during the day & the fact that NO chores got done due to my Needing to Eat AND Rest.
All was fine & dandy until dinner time. I laid out about 3/4 cup of blueberries for my food time. Then made my Husband a plate of leftover roast. So i decided to do the "right thing" and make me a plate too. I added mashed potato to mine. This, by the way, was the 1st piece of Solid meat that i had consumed in weeks as meat is a real terror on my system - hence My Need for the LEAN protein shake.
It did not take long after finishing my plate & berries before i could no longer keep my eyes open (they are just so Heavy) and my head was too heavy to hold up. So I laid on the sofa instead of going to bed. Deep Breathing excercises. Calm down.
"This is The Worst feeling." the Voice said to Me in my head. I countered back with, "THIS is NOT the worst feeling. This too shall pass. Everyday i eat it WILL get better. So Shut up!"
Then it (Syndrome) really started. My limbs went all tingly as they became heavy as a stack of bricks. It took all my energy to turn over on my left side to help my heart pump easier. All i could do was open my eyes every now and then to look at my Husband as he sat across from me in his chair. About 15 minutes passed and i was strong enough to keep my eyes barely open for a few minutes at a time.
All was quiet in my mind. Almost too quiet as i had Not the energy to even pray. As far as opening my mouth to Ask him to sit with me & hold me, to lessen the Physical anxiety that was welling up to flooding proportions, was too daunting a task. All i could do was look at him and Hope he could read my eyes.
I was completely trapped inside My own Body and unable to get in touch with my mind. As i lie there lifeless and breathing for my life my Husband had great concern whether or not to bring me to hospital as i could barely motion that i was indeed allright - Physically. I could Not for the life of Me think of the words that I Need to say to him so that he could help Me.
Here i thought being trapped by Restrictive AN (RAN) was bad, but trying to get away from it is turning out to be even More debilitating. It is even more so when Loved Ones are around for it is the RAN lifestyle that They are used to. You know, the always up & doing part. The RAN makes me keep the house in tip top shape (to avoid eating times); makes me dote on Them incessantly to keep Me from taking care of Myself; it keeps me on an even keel where my emotions are mostly stone - never too angry and certainly Never too happy. Of course ALL these things are NOT Healthy for Me, but the Family seems to enjoy all the special attention given them in the form of Their Needs & Wants met.
Now in the beginning of this syndrome, My RAN lifestyle is under attack. My energy levels - Both physical & mental are completely depleted as My Body/Mind re-learn how to Eat.
Next up is the Fun World of Emotions. 1st to Experience or 'feel' them. Then to actually Understand what the heck they are, what caused them, is it a "rational" emotion, if it is Destructive, then I need to find a different way of coping with them - NOT letting RAN shut them all off by using restriction to get rid of them.
I feel this is going to be a major issue with My Family. I won't be the Happy Barb that is Willing to take on ALL the responsibility of tidying up after them and putting Them in from of Me. After almost 30 years of this lifestyle, it is Extremely Hard to actually Think about taking care of ME, let alone actually Doing it.
RAN has made me put Myself last when the needs & wants of Others come near. RAN and the Voice had Me convinced that Every single person i come in contact with are More Important than Me. Their needs are the Only needs that matter - Not Mine.
The Voice says to Me:
'You Have to be nice All the time because You would be a Horrible person if You made anyone "feel bad".'
'You canNot show any 'negative' emotion on the Outside because this will offend others.'
'You should make Them Happy 1st so that They will Want to reciprocate that To You.'
'If They don't, then You must work harder to Make Them Happy & Content.'
'If They still don't give back as much as You Give, then that Means there is something Wrong With You.'
'You must NOT ask for any assistance for This shows Weakness.'
'Besides, do They HAVE to Ask You to do the things You do to keep them Healthy, Happy & Safe?'
'They should be able to Know what You Need without You asking - isn't that how You take such good care of them?'
'When You show weakness, People will take advantage of You.'
Nice huh? This is just a sampling of what I've lived through most of My Life.
This is also why Early Recognition & Treatment with Nutrients for the Refeeding Syndrome is The Vital KEY 2BRecoverED.
This "disease", if You will, may or may Not start in the Mind. Other factors are associated with AN like Cancer, Poverty, AIDS and such all Create AN. But the "illness" for The Body is the Same.
If the RAN behavior is left to fester in the body, it WILL affect the Mind simply due to Nutrient Depletion. So whether it started as self imposed or due to extenuating circumstances, the longer left untreated, the deeper the RAN ruts are embedded in the Brain & Mind.
THIS is what makes the Refeeding Syndrome a maker or Breaker.
The Body IS in pure shock when Nutrients are finally given to it. On top of that, the Brain is in complete disarray so the Mind is completely affected. Those ruts? Yeah...they turn to quicksand as they fight to retain their shape against the tide of new neurons & transmitters blazing a New Trail in the Mind - a Healthy trail.
I could not tell You how many times i have started this Refeeding Syndrome looking with hindsight. I can say for certain that THIS was the reason why i stopped it Every Time. I did Not understand My Body or Brain & the role Nutrients play, so when i started to 'feel bad' "because" of the food, i let the old ruts navigate the way.
Change IS scary...believe Me 30 yrs of a destructive habit plays a toll on the Body/Mind and that toll is a huge amount to pay when You Finally decide to get off That Road onto a New Healthier one.
Change in the case of RAN Is hard on the Body & Mind. But the "hard & scary" is really the Fact that All System Parts are Finally Allowed to Be and Do what They were intended, which Will Make the Whole Self Happy, Healthy & Safe. -- Exactly what the Voice had been projecting onto Others to do for You.
Without My Own Emotions, Thoughts and especially My Own Actions, I have Allowed RAN to Dictate & Run MY Life. The change from It being in charge to Me is scary but at least now (with knowledge and tools to use) it is within My Control and within sight.
Do I like what i'm going through now or looking forward to what is next? Not really, No.
I am determined however to Feed My Body Healthy so My Mind WILL follow.
I am steadfast in My resolve 2BRecoverED with LIMU & LEAN for the simple fact that the Nutrients DO Work.
I understand that the worst is yet to come. There is one last battle to be won and it will be a raging one between Me & RAN do decide WHO Ultimately is In Control of This Body & Mind. For it truely Is darkest just before the dawn.
Change is Not easy, but it Is Very Effective!
All it took was a Decision on My part to Choose a different path that was Unknown to Me. Once i decided to change, although not easy by any stretch of the word, I am surprized how well all the pices started to come in view and be put together. Just like building blocks.
Building blocks of Nutrition that Every Body Needs to Survive & Thrive that I had been systematically tearing out for decades had begun filling in with my 1st case of LIMU and 3yrs later My Body/Mind are Healthy enough to go through this Syndrome without complete shutdown like all those other times i tried 2BRecoverED.
Vitamins, Minerals and now 6 different kinds of Protein are stabilizing, renovating & rejuvinating my Whole System parts which make it Easier & Desireable to eat Solid foods again.
That "weird" feeling/emotion in between eating 'time'? I really think that is called "Hungry".
It is a strange feeling that starts in My stomach then radiates out to limbs and mind is a bit agitated. I am starting to 'feel' better when i eat. Mind is not so agitated and that weird feeling is replaced with New Familiar feeling of the Syndrome. Which in it's own sense creates Less anxiety than that "Hungry" feeling.
Speaking of "hungry", i better let You go so I can have my double scoop and rest time.
Blessings of Peace & Health, Enlightenment & Prosperity to You!
Barbara A Thornton
Lady Limu ID# 8536438
ladylimu@hotmail.com
1.931.796.3688
http://thelimucompany.com/ladylimu
1.888.8MY.LIMU
However, I made a real effort and point to ingest Solid food yestuday at my self imposed appointed times. Because I had been fudging on my Refeeding process, the Syndrome really hit hard every time i ate the solids.
I had to lie down each time - even after just a piece of Swiss cheese for my snack. The lying down part doesn't really bother me because I come from a long line of napers and the frenzied pace of AN is lessened & i am able to rest. Actually "forced" to rest which could bring on a lot of anxiety as it did before I knew about the Refeeding Syndrome.
I found out from a Friend in an ED treatment facility that the lying down part is what she is being taught. After each Meal, lie down for 1 hour, after every snack, lie quietly for 20 minutes. This way the Body can have ALL the energy it can muster for the sole purpose of digestion & rebuilding healthy cells.
This is also a Very important step for the Mind as well. During this time-out I do my deep non-continuous breathing (from my abdomen NOT my chest) which cuts through the Physical part of the AN cycle where anxiety gets its 1st stronghold.
Then I actively do something Constructive with My Mind to keep the Voice at bay. Personally, this is my quiet time with the Lord. I have found when I use This time as my special prayer & conversation time with Him the anxiety surrounding the Syndrome is almost None. I am simply too busy praising & worshipping Him to even notice whatever anxiety AN is trying to put into My head.
Sure enough, after some time I reenter This world where my body & mind are ready to get up & start moving.
This is where my 'problem' was yesturday. It seemed every time i "came to" it was "time" to robot feed again. Which as we know starts the cycle all over again. Being Aware of what is happening in my body/brain systems is Extremely Important to continue this process. So i was not too hard on myself about all the down time during the day & the fact that NO chores got done due to my Needing to Eat AND Rest.
All was fine & dandy until dinner time. I laid out about 3/4 cup of blueberries for my food time. Then made my Husband a plate of leftover roast. So i decided to do the "right thing" and make me a plate too. I added mashed potato to mine. This, by the way, was the 1st piece of Solid meat that i had consumed in weeks as meat is a real terror on my system - hence My Need for the LEAN protein shake.
It did not take long after finishing my plate & berries before i could no longer keep my eyes open (they are just so Heavy) and my head was too heavy to hold up. So I laid on the sofa instead of going to bed. Deep Breathing excercises. Calm down.
"This is The Worst feeling." the Voice said to Me in my head. I countered back with, "THIS is NOT the worst feeling. This too shall pass. Everyday i eat it WILL get better. So Shut up!"
Then it (Syndrome) really started. My limbs went all tingly as they became heavy as a stack of bricks. It took all my energy to turn over on my left side to help my heart pump easier. All i could do was open my eyes every now and then to look at my Husband as he sat across from me in his chair. About 15 minutes passed and i was strong enough to keep my eyes barely open for a few minutes at a time.
All was quiet in my mind. Almost too quiet as i had Not the energy to even pray. As far as opening my mouth to Ask him to sit with me & hold me, to lessen the Physical anxiety that was welling up to flooding proportions, was too daunting a task. All i could do was look at him and Hope he could read my eyes.
I was completely trapped inside My own Body and unable to get in touch with my mind. As i lie there lifeless and breathing for my life my Husband had great concern whether or not to bring me to hospital as i could barely motion that i was indeed allright - Physically. I could Not for the life of Me think of the words that I Need to say to him so that he could help Me.
Here i thought being trapped by Restrictive AN (RAN) was bad, but trying to get away from it is turning out to be even More debilitating. It is even more so when Loved Ones are around for it is the RAN lifestyle that They are used to. You know, the always up & doing part. The RAN makes me keep the house in tip top shape (to avoid eating times); makes me dote on Them incessantly to keep Me from taking care of Myself; it keeps me on an even keel where my emotions are mostly stone - never too angry and certainly Never too happy. Of course ALL these things are NOT Healthy for Me, but the Family seems to enjoy all the special attention given them in the form of Their Needs & Wants met.
Now in the beginning of this syndrome, My RAN lifestyle is under attack. My energy levels - Both physical & mental are completely depleted as My Body/Mind re-learn how to Eat.
Next up is the Fun World of Emotions. 1st to Experience or 'feel' them. Then to actually Understand what the heck they are, what caused them, is it a "rational" emotion, if it is Destructive, then I need to find a different way of coping with them - NOT letting RAN shut them all off by using restriction to get rid of them.
I feel this is going to be a major issue with My Family. I won't be the Happy Barb that is Willing to take on ALL the responsibility of tidying up after them and putting Them in from of Me. After almost 30 years of this lifestyle, it is Extremely Hard to actually Think about taking care of ME, let alone actually Doing it.
RAN has made me put Myself last when the needs & wants of Others come near. RAN and the Voice had Me convinced that Every single person i come in contact with are More Important than Me. Their needs are the Only needs that matter - Not Mine.
The Voice says to Me:
'You Have to be nice All the time because You would be a Horrible person if You made anyone "feel bad".'
'You canNot show any 'negative' emotion on the Outside because this will offend others.'
'You should make Them Happy 1st so that They will Want to reciprocate that To You.'
'If They don't, then You must work harder to Make Them Happy & Content.'
'If They still don't give back as much as You Give, then that Means there is something Wrong With You.'
'You must NOT ask for any assistance for This shows Weakness.'
'Besides, do They HAVE to Ask You to do the things You do to keep them Healthy, Happy & Safe?'
'They should be able to Know what You Need without You asking - isn't that how You take such good care of them?'
'When You show weakness, People will take advantage of You.'
Nice huh? This is just a sampling of what I've lived through most of My Life.
This is also why Early Recognition & Treatment with Nutrients for the Refeeding Syndrome is The Vital KEY 2BRecoverED.
This "disease", if You will, may or may Not start in the Mind. Other factors are associated with AN like Cancer, Poverty, AIDS and such all Create AN. But the "illness" for The Body is the Same.
If the RAN behavior is left to fester in the body, it WILL affect the Mind simply due to Nutrient Depletion. So whether it started as self imposed or due to extenuating circumstances, the longer left untreated, the deeper the RAN ruts are embedded in the Brain & Mind.
THIS is what makes the Refeeding Syndrome a maker or Breaker.
The Body IS in pure shock when Nutrients are finally given to it. On top of that, the Brain is in complete disarray so the Mind is completely affected. Those ruts? Yeah...they turn to quicksand as they fight to retain their shape against the tide of new neurons & transmitters blazing a New Trail in the Mind - a Healthy trail.
I could not tell You how many times i have started this Refeeding Syndrome looking with hindsight. I can say for certain that THIS was the reason why i stopped it Every Time. I did Not understand My Body or Brain & the role Nutrients play, so when i started to 'feel bad' "because" of the food, i let the old ruts navigate the way.
Change IS scary...believe Me 30 yrs of a destructive habit plays a toll on the Body/Mind and that toll is a huge amount to pay when You Finally decide to get off That Road onto a New Healthier one.
Change in the case of RAN Is hard on the Body & Mind. But the "hard & scary" is really the Fact that All System Parts are Finally Allowed to Be and Do what They were intended, which Will Make the Whole Self Happy, Healthy & Safe. -- Exactly what the Voice had been projecting onto Others to do for You.
Without My Own Emotions, Thoughts and especially My Own Actions, I have Allowed RAN to Dictate & Run MY Life. The change from It being in charge to Me is scary but at least now (with knowledge and tools to use) it is within My Control and within sight.
Do I like what i'm going through now or looking forward to what is next? Not really, No.
I am determined however to Feed My Body Healthy so My Mind WILL follow.
I am steadfast in My resolve 2BRecoverED with LIMU & LEAN for the simple fact that the Nutrients DO Work.
I understand that the worst is yet to come. There is one last battle to be won and it will be a raging one between Me & RAN do decide WHO Ultimately is In Control of This Body & Mind. For it truely Is darkest just before the dawn.
Change is Not easy, but it Is Very Effective!
All it took was a Decision on My part to Choose a different path that was Unknown to Me. Once i decided to change, although not easy by any stretch of the word, I am surprized how well all the pices started to come in view and be put together. Just like building blocks.
Building blocks of Nutrition that Every Body Needs to Survive & Thrive that I had been systematically tearing out for decades had begun filling in with my 1st case of LIMU and 3yrs later My Body/Mind are Healthy enough to go through this Syndrome without complete shutdown like all those other times i tried 2BRecoverED.
Vitamins, Minerals and now 6 different kinds of Protein are stabilizing, renovating & rejuvinating my Whole System parts which make it Easier & Desireable to eat Solid foods again.
That "weird" feeling/emotion in between eating 'time'? I really think that is called "Hungry".
It is a strange feeling that starts in My stomach then radiates out to limbs and mind is a bit agitated. I am starting to 'feel' better when i eat. Mind is not so agitated and that weird feeling is replaced with New Familiar feeling of the Syndrome. Which in it's own sense creates Less anxiety than that "Hungry" feeling.
Speaking of "hungry", i better let You go so I can have my double scoop and rest time.
Blessings of Peace & Health, Enlightenment & Prosperity to You!
Barbara A Thornton
Lady Limu ID# 8536438
ladylimu@hotmail.com
1.931.796.3688
http://thelimucompany.com/ladylimu
1.888.8MY.LIMU
